Vanity Fair humiliates submarine

Editor's note -- The recent grounding of a Royal Navy submarine in Scottish mud inspired Vanity Fair magazine to sensationalize yet another embarrassingly British  antic. The humiliation is confirmed by the New York Times, the Telegraph, the BBC and the U.K. Ministry of Defence.

#HMSAstute! RT @vanityfairmag The Top Five Most Humiliating Details About a British Submarine’s Capture by Some Mud http://bit.ly/98NFfJ                                                  

                                                                                                                                "... This morning, a nuclear-powered submarine from the fleet of the British Royal Navy became lodged in some mud in shallow waters just off the coast of Scotland. ... We will now recount the most humiliating details of the accident ..."                                                                                                                           

5. On its Web site, the Royal Navy has posted a statement assuring citizens that the accident is “is not a nuclear incident.”                                                                                      

Editor's note -- Yes, but John Ainslie, co-ordinator,  Scottish CND (Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament), expressed his concern.

                                                                          
4. A simple tugboat is spearheading the submarine’s inglorious rescue.                

Editor's note -- Would a complicated tugboat make the rescue any less inglorious?

               3. An engineering professor at the University of Portsmouth said he thought it was “pretty unlikely” that the sub would sink.                                                     Editor's note -- "Highly unlikely," professor. Unless further sub-sinking to the Earth's core is possible                                                                                                           2. Previously, the submarine was described as “the stealthiest ever built in the U.K."                                                                                                     

Editor's note -- According to the New York Times' The Lede, the Astute would have a hard time sneaking up on an otter. This was confirmed by Helen Birch  of  the International Otter Survival Fund on the Isle of Skye in a telephone interview.           1. The vessel is called the H.M.S. Astute                                                                                                                             Editor's note -- And the other two submarines just like it are called Ambush and Artful. Be grateful the name isn't H.M.S. Otter.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         

"Grounded nuclear sub dragged free,"

says the BBC

Editor's note -- Telegraph.co.uk commenter "wnc", no doubt commenting from a U.S. Navy town (such as Jacksonville, Fla.), further humiliates the Royal Navy by blaming the incident on Ex-P.M. Gordon Brown in a scripted dialog:  

The Captain of the boat has some explaining to do I'd imagine. Lets see how it may go:

Secretary of the Navy: (or whatever you call him there):
" What the hell is going on and why is my boat beached?"

Captain: "Well Mr Secretary you see we're still not sure."

"Not sure!!' You're not sure why the finest boat we've got is on the rocks?' I'll have your ass for this!"

Captain: "But..but.."

Secretary; "Shut up! How long until my boat is back in port?"

Cappy: "Well...um can't say. The tugs are waiting for the tide so they can float it and drag it away."

Secretary; "You'll be scraping baracles off the Ark Royal until your fingers bleed you F-ing idiot!"

Captain; "I uh...I, well.."

Sec: "Shut up' "Cameron is on my ass, says the whole things a cock-up. Our best boat's hit the rocks and the whole world is watching.' The Yanks are laughing at us. "What do I tell him?' WHAT DO I TELL HIM?"

Captain, sweating profusely: "Can you blame Gordon Brown?"

Sec: "Hmm.. why yes, he just might buy that."

~8~

Things The Wall Street Journal #Hates This Week:

 RT @TheAtlanticWire New feature! Things The Wall Street Journal #Hates This Week: http://ow.ly/2UgZ8

This is the second installment of a new Atlantic Wire Friday feature, in which we attempt to chronicle the various people, places, and broad societal trends that The Wall Street Journal has deemed ugly and wrong over the past week. This series will continue until we stop finding it funny, or the Journal switches to an all cute cat photo format.

Editor's note -- The Gazette highlights a few detestable WSJ articles which The Atlantic Wire found amusing this past Friday. The Editor imagines that it's dress-down Friday at the Atlantic's office and everyone is wearing jeans and a polo shirt, too.




Something called 'Pickleball' -- If The Atlantic had read the article they would know that a pickleball is retired sport that is part badminton, part ping-pong and part tennis. It drives some crybaby couple crazy because  there is a constant  banging noise near their house.

"Hey you dopes ...

This is a pickle ball !!"

said the WSJ to the Atlantic Wire

People who don't know how to curse -- Jan Morris is Welsh writer and says Britons are a bunch of *arses* for not saying *bugger off* like Winston Churchill did.

Editor's note -- Ms Morris can conclude her blashemous rant any goddam way she feels like as far as this Editor concerned.

And in case some prissy subeditor has bowdlerized that last word before it got into print, let me conclude with this one: !!!*@*!!!

The word 'Ass' -- The FCC is all pissed-off and stuff because a Levi Strauss advertisement says "All Asses Were Not Created Equal." Editor's note -- Obviously.

"Many young people shrug off the more-risqué language for jeans marketing. Some parents have their doubts" said the Wall Street Journal.

~8~

MORE ADVENTURE: TWAIN AMUSES KING AND QUEEN

Editor's note -- Whether @TwainToday realizes it or not, there is a plethora of Mark Twain memorabilia beyond his famous football quote "THIS BEATS CROQUET," SAID MARK TWAIN AT FOOTBALL GAME.

The New York Times, June 23, 1907

TWAIN AMUSES KING AND QUEEN

Tells Jokes to Edward and Would Buy Windsor Grounds from Alexandra.

MEETS SIAM'S RULER, TOO

Editor's note -- In 1907 King Chulalongkorn (Rama V) of Siam made his second visit to Europe. The King was abroad for 235 days, and while in Europe he visited Italy, France, Spain, Germany, England, Denmark and Norway.

Offers to Speak for Bashful Prince Arthur of Connaught

- Many Notables at Garden Party.

LONDON, June 22. - Mark Twain was the centre of attraction at the King's garden party at Windsor this afternoon, and besides meeting the King and the royal party, and a handshake with several hundred notables in the course of the afternoon. Upon his return from the garden party he declared that he was not a bit tired, and had thoroughly enjoyed himself.

     He was accompanied to Windsor by John Henniker Heaton, the "Father of Imperial Penny Postage," who introduced him to many of the King's guests on his way to the party, including Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman, Fridtjof Nansen, Sir Henry Mortimer Durand, and Ellen Terry. He heartily congratulated Miss Terry on her recent marriage, the two shaking hands enthusiastically.

     After tea, which was served on the lawn, Ambassador Reid presented Mark Twain to King Edward and Queen Alexandra, and the King and the humorist spent a quarter of an hour in conversation, the King laughing heartily at Twain's jokes. The Queen also joined in the conversation, and was much amused when Twain jokingly asked if he could buy the Windsor Castle grounds from her Majesty. Then the King called on him to meet the other guests. He introduced Twain to the King of Siam, the Duke of Connaught, Prince Arthur of Connaught, and others.

     Prince Arthur is to receive a degree at Oxford at the same time as the American humorist, and the Prince remarked that he would collapse if called upon for a speech. Thereupon Twain offered to undertake to speak for him.

Editor's note -- Prince Arthur is noteworthy for being a Grandson of 

Queen Victoria and he was the first royal prince to be educated at

Eton College.

Courtesy of Wikipedia

For further reading on Bashful Prince Arthur of Connaught

click here!

Mark Twain wore the regulation frock coat and silk hat at the garden party.

~*~ 

"THIS BEATS CROQUET," SAID MARK TWAIN AT FOOTBALL GAME.

Editor's note -- Oct. 2, 2010  "That Yale [Crimson Tide] team could lick a Spanish army [Florida Gators]!"

RT @TwainToday Still haven't found any quotes by Twain on Football.. >>> #RollTide!!

7:37 PM Oct 2nd via webEditor's note -- quotes by Twain on FootballRT @helefant  @TwainToday http://www.twainquotes.com/Football.html

Well, say, this beats croquet. There's more go about it!

- quoted in "Mark Twain at Football Game," New York World, Sunday November 18, 1900

THE New York WORLD, SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1900, p. 3.

"THIS BEATS CROQUET," SAID MARK TWAIN AT FOOTBALL GAME.

Sees Yale [RollTide] Whip Princeton [Florida], but "Roots" Vigorously for the Tigers [Gators].

Editor's note -- Repeat chorus, 

and not formatting the way Editor wants Google Blogger to do it.   

Mark Twain, as the guest of Laurence Hutton, the writer, was an interested spectator of the Yale-Princeton football game. Mr. Clemens left Friday afternoon for Princeton and ws driven immediately to Mr. Hutton's residence. He held an informal reception there during Friday evening.

Just before 2 o'clock yesterday afternoon Mr. Clemens, Mr. Hutton and several Princeton professors were driven to the football field. Some Princetonians in the crowd recognized Mark Twain and he was the recipient of several long-drawn out "Sis-boom-ahs" as he climbed up the seats on the east stand. This was the stand where the Princeton singing societies were congregated. They were gathered near the northern end of the stand, and the mighty volume of sound they put forth seemed to delight Mr. Clemens, who smiled at their enthusiasm.
Mr. Clemens wore a huge yellow chrysanthemum I the left lapel of his long black overcoat. This tribute to the college was appreciated by the students near by, who throughout the game gave an occasional "tiger" for "Mark Twain."
Mr. Clemens appeared deeply interested in the contest. It was the first college football game he had ever witnessed. He asked many questions of his friend Mr. Hutton and of others near by concerning the plays and the players. He quickly mastered the main principles of the game and easily detected the superiority of the team from New Haven.

When the gigantic Perry Hale and the huge and gritty Gordon Brown, the captain of the blues, or the almost equally stalwart Stillman slammed into the Tigers, bowling them over on all sides, Mr. Clemens made such remarks as:
"I should think they'd break every bone they ever had!"
"Those Yale [RollTide] men must be made of granite, like the rocks of Connecticut [Alabama] !"
"Those young Elis are too beefy and brawny for the Tigers." "Well, say, this beats croquet. There's more go about it!"
"That Yale [RollTide] team could lick a Spanish army!"
"The country is safe when its young men show such pluck and determination as are here in evidence to-day."Editor's note - Tuesday 
ArkansasSports360.com's SEC Power Poll: Week 6       10/5/2010 at 10:19am

The Southeastern Conference is running out of teams to challenge Alabama for supremacy. Used to, you could count on Florida being up there, but the Gators have joined the rest of the pack.

~~~